Reading for me is like a portal or me to go to other wonderful places. The amazing worlds that I can see, It’s like I have this power to teleport to places I really want to go. I have seen paradise, I have seen dragons and zombies, I have caught a killer once, until I closed the book that I have finished, It’s like losing a friend. I read books for me to someone I could never be and to go to places I could never go. Because a Book is a dream that you can hold in your hands. And i have literally a lot of dreams that I am holding right now. I don’t have favorites in books, because the life and stories that I have read, they are so fascinating that it turns out, they are all my favorites. I can’t imagine myself without reading a book, having a body without a soul, it’s like books are already a part of me, I could have a dollar for thinking of books I could have a lot books right now. Reading is dreaming, the only difference is, I dream while my eyes are widely open. If books were drugs, I am 100% addicted, and I’m guilty.
When I was a kid, I thought preparing for the future is not that serious. All I want to do was play, read books, watch cartoons, and I’m satisfied just by doing that. Until I reached High school, it was hard, I invested so much time for my lessons and upcoming exams, I play less than when i was a kid, I only read books when I am free. But seeing this generation, I feel so broken. The kids this day, they play on phones, on tablets, The teenagers this day have lipsticks in their lips. This generation is now a tragedy. Only few knew the real meaning of love. I want to laugh seeing elementary students having their boyfriends and girlfriends. The young teenagers holding hands with their boyfriend or girlfriends in public. And their are many literally broken in this generation. The sad eyes on happy faces. The pressure they are having as if having an honor is what really matters. School taught us education, but not all taught us how to love ourselves. This generation is completely lost. This generation is so sad for people with good hearts. The recent news that I heard in the television, a 5 yr old kid was raped, boys nowadays do not know how to respect girls. The catcalling, the rape cases out there, and the broken teenagers finding true love in others but they do not know how to value the true meaning of love. This generation is too broken, I am always thinking maybe I was born too late. Almost all of the people out there is just so broken, who will be the responsible for raising the next generation?
I used to focus more on people that are surrounding me rather than focusing and loving my own self. I used to love them hard and I don’t care if it’ll hurt me in the end. I invests so much because I don’t want them to feel lonely the way I used to feel. I don’t want them to feel unloved, to feel out of place every time. But in the end, they all left, maybe because they got the things they want to receive, or the love they want to feel, they feel satisfied, maybe that’s why they left. The problem is, I focused so much on them, the whole 100% I gave it to them, no love was left for me. Until I grew, I still stayed with my friends, but I’m only giving them the half of Love that I can give and I’m giving it to myself. And I’m focusing more on me than them, because self love and self care is not selfish.
I always questioning myself, why am I receiving pain even though I am always giving them the love and care that I always wanted to feel. And I realized that, that’s why I’m feeling the pain because I should love me before I would love others. I should care for myself than I would have care for them. I’m lucky I realized that sooner, I saved myself from drowning from the love I thought was perfect.
There’s always been my escape route since the beginning, writing. My best friend, the only thing that I can count on when no one understands me. The only thing that I can run to. Writing is a very difficult thing and at the same time is also easy to do. Back then, I only do writing when I want to keep track of things that I need to be reminded, deadlines, things I need to buy, and important dates I need to go. This is the only purpose why I liked writing…back then. Until now, I used this to escape things, to capture my thoughts because I easily keep on forgetting important things. Writing became my wings, it brings me to different worlds. I learned how to write stories, since then and until now, I’m still writing. I turn my dreams into words. I am a big dreamer, imagination is my only limit. I can do anything, I just need to write them. Everyone says we can’t do anything. We can’t fly nor have laser in our eyes. I just want to laugh at them because I just flew out in the sky while having laser in my eyes, as Carson Mccllures said, “A writer is by nature a dreamer – a conscious dreamer”. This is one of my favorite quote, it became my inspiration, not just by writing stories, but also writing my thoughts. You see, I don’t just write to express, it became my place, my secret escape route. I write to be the character that I am not, I write to do things that are impossible in the real world, I write to go to places I’m afraid of, I write to say the words that I’m scared of saying. Writing is magical, you can do anything. Those who don’t believe in magic, can never find it.
I’m always writing stories in my head, I want to tell them to someone, I want to tell stories out loud, to speak my mind’s paradise, to tell them that in the world I built there’s something amazing you can find, but it wasn’t easy, because it feels like no one wants to enter my mind and see the world I built. No one is willing to listen. Since then I started to write in silence, to tell stories while avoiding eye contact, to tell stories that I want everyone to hear. And I don’t care if they want to hear it or not. I’ll write, just write. I don’t care about rules in writing, they are for editors. I only need to write, if I quit, I failed in being a writer. A writer doesn’t cry, we bleed in papers, we write until we clear all the thing that hurts the most, I’ll write ’till the world I wrote becomes real. Nothing’s impossible in writing, you only need to believe in magic for them to come true. Writing is an art, “it is the painting of the voice,” as Voltaire said. I write to dream, and no one’s gonna stop me.
Fear. It has four letters but it costs me so much things and chances. I thought being afraid would get me outside of this painful world. I always thought that, even now. These four letter word is a murderer, a murderer of dreams, of chances, of moments. This is my enemy. Since the beginning, fear never left my side, and I thought it was my friend, it was getting me out of those sad moments I don’t want to encounter, but it wasn’t. Because fear is also a traitor. A thought who betrayed me. I wasn’t so sure how to get rid of this fear. The dismay and horror that I feel every time that I am happy, the uneasiness that I might feel sad after that enjoyment. The terror every time I want to try something new and then I’ll feel regretful because I chose to lose that chance. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I tried practicing to take risks and I achieve that, but the struggle of choosing between this two is really hard. And sometimes I chose to work on that fear.
Since then, I promised myself I won’t be afraid of risking and making choices anymore. I promised myself I will overcome the fear. I will go through it, I will use these fears as my strength. I will not lose those chances anymore, I will not let go of the happy moments just because of the terror. I’ll cherish those moments, even if it’ll hurt me again. I won’t stop. I will remember my moments and my dreams and I will fight for them. I won’t let my fear take them anymore, not again.
Being attached to someone really hurts. When you think they’ll stay there for a long period of time, because I thought that. I showed them affection, love, and care, but still, they left. Maybe because the friendship won’t work either way, so we chose to forget and leave. But the pain is still here, it will always be here. The attachment, the love that I invest, everything turned to waste. I risked things though, and I am not regretting that, because I will always risk to someone who’s worth it, and I thought they are all worth it. They all left, they all moved on, they thought I moved on, too. That’s where I’m good at, pretending all things are alright though it really tore me apart. It breaks me to pieces and I can’t pick them up anymore. I miss the memories but not the people whom I spend those memories with. But the what ifs, and random questions that’s getting on in my head every night. As i lay down, the memories keeps flashing back, the flashback that is only inside my head. What if we didn’t give up, what if we tried and tried until it will all be okay. But life won’t let that. Because the only thing that will stay is the only thing that are worth it. And maybe the memories are, but the people inside, isn’t.
I thought it’s easy to forget things, I thought it’s really easy to move on just like that, but it’s not. It’s really not. The future plans, the goals we want to achieve, the road trips we want to do, the concert we want to go, the artists we want to see, those plans are gone now. But life goes on, I can’t just stop here and think all the things that we do wrong, because we all learned something from that friendship we built. The pain is still here but I know, someday it will heal, and maybe I can stand up and risk again on someone to continue those dreams with. I will always risk to someone that is worth it, even if those dreams will shatter, I can always create a new one, a marvelous plans and goals and someone will come to do it with me. Maybe the ones who left is only my journey not my destination. But I know, deep down even if it still hurts, someday, the right people will come, effortlessly.
I once tried to risked, admit it, we all tried to risk. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don’t. It hurt doesn’t it? When you started to trust, you are trying to invest so much that you forgot about yourself. That thought itself hurts so much you’re already feeling numb. You get attached and then you invest, you invest and then you get hurt because you invest to someone who is not investing on you. You focus yourself so much to them you forgot yourself. While it shouldn’t be like that. You’re making them your world. You’re making a person your world. You are forcing to build a relationship with them. Well, I should include myself in that phrase. Feeling numb and feeling the ache at the same time it’s so upsetting that it’s becoming destructive. It’s so destructive that the thoughts are becoming so loud it aches so much. But that doesn’t stop me from risking. I’d rather risk than lose the chance. I’d rather lose from myself than lose the moment. I’ll get hurt by risking, but I’ll be wise when I’ll try to risk again. Life’s not perfect for me to acquire something so painless. It’ll work or it’ll not, that’s life.
Risking is part of experiencing something new. It’s either I’ll obtain my ambition which I took the risk or I’ll learn. Either way I’d still choose to risk than to regret. I won’t ever regret risking, risking is a very challenging thing from me, you see, risking is already a risky thing, but not taking a risk in life is the biggest thing to risk at all. I always tell myself I need the courage to risk, I need strength to put some efforts for me to achieve things. I won’t live my life without a little risk. You see, it’s like going to a park without riding any rides at all, it’s like buying a book without reading it at all. Without risking I won’t reached this far. Risking is a big thing we need to do, it’s taking the liberty. You are afraid? Do it anyway, our life is the only chance we have, use it. Be kind, love, respect, and take the risks, because great things comes from risking. Risking will always be the thing I want to risk. Either I win or I learn. Either way, nothing will be gone from me. But if I’ll not take that shot? The moment and chance, I might lose them in my grasp. Risking is not the one that is scary, it’s me not taking that risk and I’ll lose that chance. Not taking the risk will always be the worst failed risked I can make.